The Atheist Pig

The Bunker, location: top secret   This year’s War on Christmas has been declared. Richard Dawkins has officially sent out marching orders to the godless hordes this holiday season. While the location of The Bunker, the nerve center of the atheist cabal, is kept secret the marching orders for his personal attack squad, known as the Godless Memic Legion (GMC), have been brazenly made public.

The goals of this year’s campaign against the sanctity of Christmas are as follows:

1. Shop for Holiday presents In direct opposition to the Pope’s message for people to see through the superficial glitter of this season and to discover behind it the child in the stable in Bethlehem Professor Dawkins has urged the GMC  to purchase geeky, science-friendly gifts within a budget. To make the scandal even worst, the Pope of Godlessness has stated that one should give such gifts out of love and compassion for others rather than following a tradition based on the superstition that people need to worship Little Baby Jesus or suffer eternal torment.
2. Not to give hate groups money The Devilish Dawkins dictated that not one of the secular masses gives one coin to Salvation Army bell ringers. The Salvation Army position statement on marriage states  The Salvation Army affirms the New Testament standard of marriage, that is, the voluntary and loving union for life of one man and one woman to the exclusion of all others, this union being established by an authorized ceremony.  And the organization means what it says. Whether it’s 1986 in New Zealand where the Salvation Army worked to keep homosexuality illegal or 1998 in San Francisco where it scaled back three programs for senior citizens and the homeless because they didn’t want to extend benefits to same-sex employees, the Salvation Army is a bulwark against the evils of a free society.
3. Send Bill O’Reilly Holiday Cards and wear Give Bill O’Reilly a Hug pins. Bill O’Reilly has built an anti-secular industrial complex that cranks up into high gear between Thanksgiving and Christmas. It’s clear to all involved that Mr O’Reilly never got enough hugs as a child and way too much coal in his Christmas stocking. Professor Dawkins hypothesizes that Bill’s heart is two-sizes too small and a genuine effort from good natured people may help grow the heart muscle substantially.
4. Calmly explain to angry Christians the origin of Xmas.  Some Christians get themselves into a froth this time of year, and demand that the term Xmas is a fiendish plot to take the Christ out of Christmas. The Dawkinsian Stormtroopers (a subsidiary of the GMC) have been told to gently explain that the X in Xmas is really the Greek letter Chi (X) which ancient Christians used to represent Christ.  The Stormtroopers are not to suggest that Christians getting angry at Xmas should learn a little bit about their own history — that may be construed as a being bit snotty.
5. Write to Santa Claus and say thank him for secularizing Christmas. While many Christians blame atheists and agnostics for ruining their holiday, the commercialization of Christmas  is due to none other than that jolly old elf, Santa. Not only can you email him, but Santa answers back really, really fast.

 

 

I’m obligated by a United Nation’s resolution to state that this post is a Poe.

 

 Here I am praying to my fictitious god for this holiday season to end soon. He hasn’t answered any of my prayers as of yet, and I don’t think he will soon.

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  The Bunker, location: top secret   This year’s War on Christmas has been declared. Richard Dawkins has officially sent out marching orders to the godless hordes this holiday season. While the location of The...