Popes Gone Wild!on February 15, 2013 at 9:55 am
Pope Benedict XVI has decided to quit being the Kingpin of Catholicism, the Mullah of the Mass, the Crown Prince of Pedophile Apologetics…
Well, you get the idea.
While Pope’s Benedict’s hands are clean of any wrongdoing (that’s what happens when you wash them with the tears of rape victims), his predecessors have had checkered pasts. Let’s take a look at some of history’s Popes Gone Wild!
Pope John XXIII, otherwise known as Antipope John XXIII, became the third pope during the Western Schism at the turn of the 15th century. There were two popes already, one in Avignon, France and the other in Rome. Baldassarre Cossa, who would become John XXIII, grew up in a humble household, and joined the family business — piracy. Two of his brothers were convicted of the crime, but Baldassare was a wunderkind and eventually got his doctorate in law. (Personally speaking, I think there is clear career path from pirate – lawyer – pope.) He was part of the Council of Pisa which tried to end the schism by firing the other two popes and electing a brand new one, Alexander V. Alexander V died, and Baldassarre became Pope XXIII. It all ended badly, of course, and Pope John XXIII was arrested and charged with — you guessed it — piracy amongst other crimes. He was officially de-poped and imprisoned only to be released and made Cardinal-Bishop of Tusculum.
Pope Alexander VI (pope from 1492-1503) was in the faith business for the girls, the gold, and the glory. The man had many mistresses and fathered four children (ahem, that we know of). How bad was is holiness? This is what the Catholic League had to say about him when Showtime was running the show The Borgias. “Rodrigo Borgia, who became Pope Alexander VI, was an extortionist who led a life of debauchery, fathering four illegitimate children. That he was a disgrace to the papacy is not in question; …”
But what was the fuss all about? Here is an example of this pope gone wild.
…50 dancers were invited to slowly strip around the pope’s table. Alexander and his family gleefully threw chestnuts on the floor, forcing the women to grovel around their feet like swine; they then offered prizes of fine clothes and jewelry for the man who could fornicate with the most women. – Joust of Whores
The first two popes were not nice guys, but their piracy and womanizing are misdemeanors when you consider Pope Nichoas V’s (pope 1447-1455) contribution to world history: * the Papal seal of approval to slavery. This papal bull was the official approval letter sent to King Alfosno V of Portugal that he had a blank check to do what he wanted over newly gained territories in the Americas as well as any lands taken from Islam. We [therefore] weighing all and singular the premises with due meditation, and noting that since we had formerly by other letters of ours granted among other things free and ample faculty to the aforesaid King Alfonso — to invade, search out, capture, vanquish, and subdue all Saracens and pagans whatsoever, and other enemies of Christ wheresoever placed, and the kingdoms, dukedoms, principalities, dominions, possessions, and all movable and immovable goods whatsoever held and possessed by them and to reduce their persons to perpetual slavery, – Romanus Pontifex 1455
Stephen VI (pope from 896-897) had a flair for the dramatic. His nicknames could be: Steve the Strange, Steve the Mad, and That guy who dug up the corpse and put it on trial. Yes, Stephen the VI disliked the previous pope, Pope Formosus, and gathered the priesthood of Rome to formally charge the dead man (did I mention the corpse had been in the ground for 9 months?) in what became known as the Cadaver Synod. Curiously enough the deacon who had the ignominious job of defending Formosus was unable to convince the court of his client’s innocence. As punishment the cadaver’s three fingers from his right hand (the blessing fingers) were cut off, and the body was dragged through Rome and dumped into the Tiber.
Pope Urban II (pope from 1088-1099) was responsible for the barbarian invasion of the Holy Land that is commonly known as the First Crusade. The Byzantine Emperor asked for assistance from his brother in Christ, and was hoping to get some help fighting the Turks in, well, what is now known as Turkey. What the Byzantine Emperor did not expect was a mob of poorly washed, barely literate (and that is stretching the term literate) lunatics crossing through his territory to set up shop (the Latin Kingdoms) in the Holy Land.
How did Pope Urban mobilize such a force?
He gave everyone who went on crusade a moral blank check. If you were going on crusade all of your sins would be absolved. Even if you died in transit and never set foot in Israel, all those sins would be washed away and you would be guaranteed to get into heaven.
“Let those who for a long time, have been robbers, now become knights. Let those who have been fighting against their brothers and relatives now fight in a proper way against the barbarians. Let those who have been serving as mercenaries for small pay now obtain the eternal reward.” – Pope Urban II
This sort of attitude engendered the worst type of behavior in in the Christ-centered population. Many realized that Muslims were very far away, but Jews were very close. Why not do some pre-crusade purging? As an added benefit, the faithful got to steal the victims possessions as well.
I know there will be many of you who will wonder why I didn’t mention Benedict XVI’s long list of sins or that Nazi Pope. Both have been well documented, and I didn’t want to go for the obvious. I know that many of you have your personal favorite pope, and feel free to talk about him in the comments.
I came up with this meme the other day after hearing various hand wringing commentaries on who will be the next Mayor of Pedophile Town.
* Yes, there were other papal bulls endorsing slavery.