Prime Minister of Freedonia Defends a Violent Philosophyon May 23, 2013 at 11:51 pm
Blefuscu, Freedonia Prime Minister Alfred Kannard stated that Freedonia would stand ‘absolutely resolute’ in the face of unscrupulous individuals committing violent crimes, and besmirching the otherwise peaceful philosophy known as Piracy. The statement comes on the heels of a brazen raid on the capital where the Dread Pirate Fishbeard ransacked ships in port, looted local businesses, and spread promotional fliers for the upcoming Rihanna/Chris Brown tour.
“It was a horrific attack,” stated Kannard. “Windows have been broken, laundered money from multi-national corporations stolen from banks, and worst of all, once I have to explain to my children why Rihanna and Chris Brown are still together.”
The Prime Minister refuted claims that Fishbeard represented the purest form of theological Piracy. “Piracy is a peaceful. All around our great nation children don the eye patch and share hearty ‘Aaaaaaaarghs!’ Fishbeard does not reflect the true nature of the free booting ethos.’”
Rufus Firefly, Professor of Tautology at Freedonia University, disagrees with this assessment, and points out these verses from the holy book of pirates, the Holy Buccaneer’an.
When the LORD inspired the angels (saying): I am with you. So make those who believe stand firm. I will throw fear into the hearts of those who disbelieve. Then smite the necks and smite of them each finger. Chapter 8 verse 12
And know that whatever ye take as spoils of war, lo! a fifth thereof is for the LORD, and for the messenger and his kinsman… Chapter 8 verse 41
Videos shot by onlookers show that the pirates were shouting out Buccaneer’an slogans like “We swear by almighty LORD we will never stop fighting you until we have taken everything we want and every seat of the Blefuscu Performing Arts Center has been sold for the upcoming concert.“ Professor Firefly has commented that the hard economic times have hit the pirates hard, and they must have resorted to leef letting in order to make up for the lost revenue.
Prominent local pirate radical leader Dread Pirate Choudary released this statement, “Oh, yeah, I know those guys. As soon as the rest of you convert, we can go about doing this to some other country.”
Freedonian police are currently on alert. There is a real chance of reprisal attacks against practicing Pirates as well as those who were born Pirates, but no longer follow the aberrant code. Unfortunately, many of those who no longer practice the faith can not officially leave because the punishment for for apostasy is death.
*Yes this is a Poe.
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