Roswell, New Mexico A joint press conference was held earlier today by the Theological Institute of Technology (T.I.T.) and Americans Against Alien Saucer Supremacy (A.A.A.S.S.). They announced a major breakthrough on the infamous Roswell-Area 51 cover-up. “Not only do we have conclusive, verifiable evidence of an alien ship crash landing in Roswell, New Mexico in 1947, but that the alien inside the craft was executed after a military trial,” stated AAASS President, Alfred Gammon.
Undercover video of the secret military base Area 51 clearly shows a variety of alien devices that were reversed engineered to produce our modern day technological society. Here is an example of one invaluable bit of tech that the alien ship bequeathed us.
However, the myth that the alien who crash landed in the desert was killed on impact is untrue. The naive idea that the visitor from another planet was peaceful is also another fable. Newly revealed documents show that only one alien was on board the craft. This being called himself The Adonai. Because of The Adonai’s peculiar speech patterns, scientists could never determine if The Adonai was the name for His particular species or even if The Adonai was one being or a multitude of creatures.
For example The Adonai stated, No one hath seen the Adonai at any time; the only begotten Adonai of The Adonai, which is in the bosom of The Adonai, he hath declared him. This seems to imply that the alien may have been a four dimensional being that could exist in several places at once in our three dimensional space, or that the poor creature had Multiple Personality Disorder (MPD).
However, one thing was certain about our alien visitor: He was evil and planning to enslave the human race. “The Adonai clearly saw homo-sapiens as an inferior race who was meant to do little else than to act as The Adonai’s gardeners on Earth,” stated Andrew Canard, Theologist in Chief of TIT. “The Adonai clearly stated as much when He said The Adonai will have man in the Garden of Earth to tend and watch over it. ” Documents further report that The Adonai was planning to use force to make sure His will was going to be done. Here is an excerpt from The Adonai’s threats
But if you will not listen to me and carry out all these commands, and if you reject my decrees and abhor my laws and fail to carry out all my commands and so violate my covenant, then I will do this to you: I will bring on you sudden terror, wasting diseases and fever that will destroy your sight and sap your strength. You will plant seed in vain, because your enemies will eat it. I will set my face against you so that you will be defeated by your enemies; those who hate you will rule over you,and you will flee even when no one is pursuing you.
“‘If after all this you will not listen to me, I will punish you for your sins seven times over. I will break down your stubborn pride and make the sky above you like iron and the ground beneath you like bronze. Your strength will be spent in vain, because your soil will not yield its crops, nor will the trees of your land yield their fruit.
“‘If you remain hostile toward me and refuse to listen to me, I will multiply your afflictions seven times over, as your sins deserve. I will send wild animals against you, and they will rob you of your children, destroy your cattle and make you so few in number that your roads will be deserted.
The military leader at Area 51 had heard enough from the monomaniacal and clearly evil other worldly being. It was considered too dangerous for The Adonai to be present at his own trail. The superior being was kept busy reading a variety of Superman comic books. (It was hoped that stories of another alien being who had landed on Earth would make The Adonai not act so douchey.) Ultimately, the court decided that The Adonai presented a real and present danger to the United States of America as well as the world. If allowed, the creature would enslave billions to live a life of toil and slavery that would rival the dictatorial regimes America had fought so hard against in World War II.
It is suspected that the battle that ensued in the depths of Area 51 obliterated the records on how the monster was defeated.
But defeated it was.
TIT’s Andrew Canard stated that somehow the story of The Adonai escaped the military base, and that there are currently followers around the world of the creature’s warped philosophy. “People will believe in all sorts of thinly disguised shit.”
Yes, this is a Poe.
I got the idea for this when I was at a local atheist meetup group when my buddy mentioned that if aliens came down and had the same attitude as Yahweh, we’d have to kill them.
This is one of my more blunt memes. I don’t like tossing Nazis around for no apparent reason, but the big guy seemed so appropriate for this Bible verse.
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