Mathew Staver, dean of Liberty University’s School of Law, has boldly stated that the National Zoo’s chimp, Bobo Freewill, is about to ignite a new civil war in the United States of America. The center of the controversy is Bobo, an eight year old Common chimpanzee (Pan troglodytes) that was rescued from poachers as an infant in the Central African Republic. Ever since his arrival Bobo has integrated well in chimp society at the zoo. He regularly grooms other chimps and engages in playful activities with his compatriots. Bobo is also the alpha male of the local community, but rather than ruling by force, the clever politician nourishes relationships between others in order to avoid conflict. What is Bobo’s crime that is Mr Staver believes is about to ignite Civil War II?
Bobo likes to masturbate.
“This behavior is not unknown amongst non-human primates,” stated National Zoo primatologist Andrew Cannard. “However, masturbation is not as frequent in our non-human relatives. There was a two year study of a community of wild gray-cheeked mangabeys in 1984 that showed only two incidences of full-monty masturbation. Bobo is a bit of an exception amongst his kind and a bit closer to the typical human teenager. Because of Bobo’s “against the grain chimp behavior,” he was given the last name Freewill”
Mathew Staver and his family were visiting the National Zoo in Washington DC when his 5 year old son, Bucephelus-Ray, pointed to Bobo and reportedly said, “Daddy, that monkey’s having a real good time! What’s the name of that game?” At which point the evangelical Christian whisked his wife and children away and immediately drove back to Liberty University where, “every man and beast knows what not to do with their privates.”
Upon returning to the university, the dean launched a campaign to stop the immodest and immoral acts that Bobo Freewill engaged in. Mr Staver wrote the National Zoo to explain the severity of the problem at hand.
Mr Freewill’s actions are literally the things that make revolutions. Publicly flaunting traditional morality has been the cause of the Roman Empire falling as well as the French and Russian revolutions. A full blown conflict is going to ensue where freedom of speech is destroyed, the freedom of religion hobbled, and the pulpit itself bulldozed over.
Shortly after hearing about the outrage, the American Family Association (AFA) emailed their legions of followers to fight against self gratifying nonhuman primates and their human allies.
Under the guise of secular zoology chimpanzees are allowed to act in monstrous ways that are sure to undermine our Christ-centered society. How can we allow a chimpanzee to make a monkey out of our most cherished national documents, the Bible and the Constitution? This is simply the latest stage of demeaning Christians which will eventually lead us to be in the zoos and these foreign born animals free to walk the streets. Cities with Christian names like St. Petersburg and Bethlehem will be changed to godless primate ones like Ape City and Orangatangia. I personally do not want to live in a world like that.
Bobo Freewill is currently under 24 hour guard due to the numerous hate letters and emails sent to the National Zoo from God fearing Christians. So far the chimp is oblivious to the drama outside the walls and continues to enjoy the simple pleasures of life.
* Yes, this is a Poe.
The two stories that I based this post on are unfortunately very real. (The links to the original stories are in the post.)
I made this meme the other day, and thought I’d share it with you.
Thanks for reading.